


Day of Firsts

by blue_jack



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Aliens Make Them Do It, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-20
Updated: 2010-07-20
Packaged: 2017-11-16 00:42:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/533589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_jack/pseuds/blue_jack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Day of Firsts

“Go forth and have sex!”

“Captain—”

“Look, I realize these aren’t exactly ideal conditions by any means, but it’s either sex or death, and I don’t know about you, but I choose the sex.”

“I do not disagree that having intercourse is preferable to dying, however—”

“Then go to it, man!” Jim said, clapping Spock on the shoulder. “Oh, sorry, Vulcan! At least Uhura is here, and you don’t have to do it in front of the crew, and sure, they’re going to be taping the whole thing, but think of it as immortalizing the event for history, or supporting scientific advancement in other races, or—”

“Captain!”

Jim blinked. “Yes, Spock?”

“I cannot have intercourse with Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Uh,” Jim shuffled a little closer. “Performance anxiety? Because I think if you just close your eyes—”

“Lieutenant Uhura is currently conducting a romantic relationship with another crew member—”

“She _is_? _Who_?”

“—whose identity I am not at liberty to divulge—”

“Spoilsport.”

“—and thus, it would be inappropriate to request that she—”

“Oh, I don’t know. Everyone has post breakup sex at least once. Or more. I know that I—”

“ _Furthermore_ , when the lieutenant and I were involved in non-Fleet activities, we never progressed to the final stages of sexual congress—”

“ _What_?”

Spock blinked, and Jim cast a sheepish look at the other crew members in the cell who were currently all staring at them and inched even closer.

“Are you serious? You guys never . . .” He made a very telling hand motion.

“No,” Spock said, a hint of distaste at the gesture showing in his expression, “we did not.”

“How did I not know this?” Jim shook his head in astonishment.

“Until now, the information was not relevant to—”

“Oh fuck.” Jim started to smile. “You did not just refer to dating Uhura as ‘being involved in non-Fleet activities.’”

“Captain, I believe you have become distracted from the most important matter at hand—”

“You’re right, you’re right.” Jim clapped his hands together. “Okay, having sex with Uhura is out of the question. And we are so going to discuss this in more detail after we get out of here. I cannot _believe_ that you didn’t—yeah, yeah, yeah, getting off-track again. I mean, we’ll just have to find someone else for you to—how did you phrase it? Oh yes, someone else for you to have _sexual congress_ with.” Jim couldn’t stop the smile that broke out, even though he knew it was inappropriate. Of course, if he only smiled during appropriate times, he wouldn’t smile half as much. “Although it does narrow the field down a lot since that just leaves Mo’rin and Simmons to choose from.”

“I believe the logical choice would be—”

“Although, shit, I actually think Simmons is engaged to someone in Engineering, and Mo’rin can’t have premarital sex, and not even in the ‘good girls don’t’ sort of way, but more along the lines of ‘mate before you are psychically joined and suffer an excruciating death.’ What?” Jim looked defensive. “I just know this stuff, okay? We might be back to Uhura after all. You know, it’s a shame they demanded that you be the one to have sex with someone instead of me since I’m not bothered by performing in front of an audience, _and_ I’m not picky about the girl versus guy thing.”

Spock gave him a significant look.

“Hey now, don’t get the wrong impression. The audience only happened once, and it was more of an accident than anything planned beforehand—”

“ _Captain_.”

“ _Mr. Spock_.”

“As I was saying, I _believe_ the most logical choice for my partner in this endeavor would be you.”

“Uh . . . come again?”

Normally Jim enjoyed seeing that expression on Spock’s face, but he couldn’t take full satisfaction in it this time around all things considered.

“As you yourself have stated, public sex would cause you the least amount of embarrassment among any of the crew. Moreover, you are not averse to copulating with a male, and based on empirical evidence, the same can be said for having intercourse with a member of an alien race.”

From the shocked corner of his mind where he currently resided, Jim distantly heard himself say, “Well, you know, I like to keep my options open . . .”

“Then surely you must agree that it is your duty as captain of the Enterprise to sacrifice yourself for the good of the away team.”

Jim knew his face was scrunched up in disbelief, but he couldn’t seem to smooth out his features. “By . . . having sex with you?”

“Indeed.”

“I thought you only slept with females?”

“That is an incorrect assumption.”

Jim waited for Spock to say something more, but his first officer remained silent, looking a trifle too smug for Jim’s taste—he knew he was missing something, but he couldn’t quite believe it was what he thought it was—and he finally shrugged. “Never let it be said I asked someone to do something I wouldn’t do myself. Very well, Mr. Spock. Lead on.”

* * *

“Jim, you realize that with just a few passes of my tricorder, I can call bullshit on your claim that the aliens made you and Spock fight for hours, which is currently your explanation for why you and Spock were sequestered from the rest of the crew for so long and for all those bite marks and your limp?”

Bones watched in amazement as Jim turned beet red—he hadn’t realized Jim _could_ blush—vaguely heard, “Stupid pain tolerance . . . should be limping, too . . .” and decided he really didn’t want to know after all.

It was only minutes after he’d finally sent Jim on his way that Spock showed up, looking only slightly the worse for wear, although Bones could see definite signs of “combat injuries” on him as well.

“Dr. McCoy—”

“He just left.” It was too early in the day for this.

Spock nodded and began to turn away.

“And I told him, but now I’m telling you, no sex for twenty-four hours, minimum!”

Well, well, well. A day of firsts. Bones watched the green flush spread across Spock’s cheeks as he nodded brusquely before turning to leave Sickbay. In the direction of the captain’s quarters. Bones shook his head and headed for his office. He needed a drink.


End file.
